Apples - Available!

Right in the middle of his art supplies is Malevich's (see below) sensitive, insightful and award winning painting entitled 'Apples . . . Not On My Watch!' It is 5x7 oil on canvas panel. The cost is $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping or best offer. (Honestly)

Apple World! Available!

Hey! Maybe that guy in the last post (Brit' and 'em) CAN paint better than me! This is just his second painting. I asked him what was the name of this painting and he said that this painting is an abstract entitled "Apple World". He said that it is 5x7 oil on canvas panel. The cost is $100 or best offer. If you are interested please leave a message in the comment box and I will email you for the details.

From the desk of 'THE Donald' . . .Olives! Available!

Dear Miss Jane,
Remember when I told you my idea for a show called ‘Let’s all be like Donnie’ and you said that you could not be an apprentice to the idea. As you know by now - no one EVER tells ‘the Donald’ that his ideas ‘would never work’. So as far as the show is concerned - YOU’RE FIRED - but I still expect you to be at my house for the barbeque on Sunday. We’re having martinis, buttery hot rolls, martinis, baby back ribs, macaroni and cheese, salad, martinis . . . and we’re still expecting you to bring the collard greens and yams. Luv and hugs and kisses to you but must know when to separate business from pleasure. . . THE Donald (Olives 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer) If you would like to make an offer leave me a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you for the details.

Terminated!

Dear Arnold,
Remember when you told me that you wanted to do three movies about machines coming back from the future called - ‘Let’s Get Johnny’ - and I told you that you need to ‘terminate that idea because it would never work!’ Well, my bad. I am still trying to become an artist. Do you think that you and Maria could put some money together with Ted and ‘em and buy one of my paintings? Meanwhile, what’s up in sunny Cal? I’ll be out there for a visit soon so I’ll holla at you then. Love and hugs and kisses to you, Jane (Tomato Abstract 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer) If you would like to make an offer please leave me a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you for the details.

Found in the letters of Edgar Degas in response to Miss Jane's letter below . . .

Dear Miss Jane,

First I was afraid I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

But I spent a day and a night

thinking how you did me wrong I grew strong I learned how to carry on

Go on now go - walk out the door - just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore

weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

you think I'd crumble you think I'd lay down and die

Oh no, not I - I will survive as long as I know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give

and I'll survive I will survive -
So Miss Jane - see ya
and I wouldn’t want to be ya! (I'll holla back at you soon!)Sincerely E to the D (5x7 ballerina oil on canvas panel ($100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling. If you would like to make an offer please leave a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you.)

Dear Degas . . .

Dear Degas,
Even though we have had our ups and downs I know that you are totally in love with me. I have seen your paintings and I think that it is safe to say that you will never make it in this business. Shall I be your muse you say? Yes! Paint me again and again! I know that you shall never marry - that you will wander wistfully in your final days saying ‘Miss Jane, Miss Jane, where are you Miss Jane’ because you lost your puppy named 'Miss Jane'. Although you will never be a famous artist our love will live forever through your art. I know that whenever someone sees your beautiful paintings - of horses - they will think of me - Miss Jane. Love, hugs and kisses to you for a love that can never be - Sincerely, Jane Ballerina 8x10 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer. If you would like to make an offer please leave me a message in the comment box. Thank you.

Order in the court . . .will the real Degas please stand up

Mr. Pacino: Mr. Degas isn’t it true that you took lessons from Miss Jane and that she taught YOU everything you know and that you took HER paintings and put your name on them and you took YOUR paintings and put her name on those? Mr. Degas: What?
Mr. Pacino: Mr. Degas you are out of order!
Mr. Degas: I'M out of order - YOU'RE out of order - the whole sequence of events is out of order!
First I took MY name off of my paintings and put them on HER paintings then I took HER name off of her paintings and put them on MY paintings.
Mr. Pacino: Huh?
Why did you do it Mr. Degas? Why did you steal her paintings?
Mr. Degas: I told Miss Jane to get with it - it’s the 1890's - people will love beautiful ballerina paintings and she just laughed and said that impressionism would never work. . .the verdict: all profits and proceeds from the sale of all 'Degas' paintings from the 1800's until today should immediately be sent to Miss Jane. 8x10 oil on canvas panel 'little ballerinas' $100 plus shipping and handling or best offer.

From the Poet's Society . . .

'I never knew what one could do
with little dabs of paint -
who mixes them together -
like a child with no restraint -
I always thought that one could take
the delicate pinks and greens -
and with a woman’s wisdom
paint beauty never seen!
It baffles the mind’s sweet mysteries -
in our sanity dare we trust -
why anyone would give Miss Jane a canvas, turps and brush?'
This 9x12 oil on canvas panel is $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer. You may email me or leave me a message in the comment box. Thank you.

Into The Matrix . . .

Morpheus: Miss Jane I have two pills in my hand - one red - and the other one blue. If you take the blue pill you will continue to live in a dream world and think that you have a future as an artist. If you take the red pill you will see things as they really are. The bad news is that everyone in the phone book named Smith will hate you and keep calling you on the phone. The good news is that you get to 'kick it' with Neo and only shop where they sell stylin’ black boots, trendy black t’s and bangin' black coats. No, I can NOT give you a hint. The decision must be yours and yours alone. Miss Jane which one will you choose? Please stay tuned . . .

From Smallville . . .

Lana: Clark why don’t you use your abilities. Clark: One look at those paintings and I lost my abilities. They are more powerful than kryptonite. Lana: Should we talk to Lex? Clark: Why should we talk to Lex - he doesn’t have any abilities. Lana: What about Chloe - didn’t the writers of the show give HER some abilities? Clark: Yes, but does anyone out there even understand her abilities? I think we need another plot twist - we need to give Lionel or Lois or Jimmy or whoever plays the next editor of the Daily Planet some abilities. Lana: What about your best friend? You know - the brotha? Maybe they can give the brotha some abilities! Please stay tuned . . .
Out Of This World Apple Abstract 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 or best offer

In a little coffe shop in Liverpool 1959 . . .

1959 smartest talent agent in the world: "So you see Miss Jane, we take these four British guys and since you do paintings of bugs we’ll call them - o let’s see - ‘the beetles’. We’ll bring them to America - see - and we’ll let them show your paintings. We’ll let one shake his long hair and play the drums while the other three play guitars and shake their long hair. We’ll have them point to your artwork and sing ‘We love them yeah, yeah, yeah!’ ‘ We love them yeah, yeah, yeah!’ ‘We love them yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah . . .!’"
Cute Miss Jane 1959: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "You’re kidding me right?" "This idea will never work!" "The hair, the name . . .young girls everywhere will hate it!" "Clive! Who is this clown?" "Get him out of here!!"
Ladybug 5x7 oil on canvas panel. $100.00 or best offer!

"Who ARE You?"

He walked over to the canvas where I was painting and with a raspy voice almost like a whisper he said ‘You know, if you mix blue and yellow together you get green. And if you mix red and blue together you get violet. If you follow these simple tips maybe people won’t think your paintings are so awful.’ ‘Wow!’ I said amazed. ‘How do you know so much?’ ‘I just know things.’ he said. And with that he turned to go back out of the same window he came in. I was really diggin' the whole cape, mask with pointy ears and boots thing - because I also like to wear basic black. ‘Just who ARE you?’ I asked. And with that he threw a disintegration tablet at my painting. As both he and the painting disappeared into the night air he said in that raspy voice 'I’m Batman’.

8x10 Beach Scene oil on canvas panel $100.00 or best offer

Et Tu Ma ma'?

Please Return To Sender
Dear 'Little' Jane,
How many times do I have to tell you that as long as you keep sending these paintings to my house, no one named 'Mommy', 'Big Ma' or 'Big Miss Jane' lives at this address. How many times do I have to tell you that I am tired of the barking and having to put food and water in the dog bowl and sit it in the backyard because your father, Mr. Jane, refuses to come in the house ‘until I remove those paintings’. So I am returning this package to you because I have moved and there is NO FORWARDING ADDRESS. Love, hugs and kisses to you sweet pea signed, New Occupant

This 5x7 abstract 'apples and waterdrops' is $100.00 or best offer

From A 'Real' Prince? - For thy brain to enter here you must read what came before -

My Dearest Jane,
At one time thou were the fairest in the land,
with paint of brush in thine delicate hand,
and tho’ thou named them ‘doom’ and ‘gloom’ -
and ‘murk of turp’ was in thine spoon -
for sure I thought thee told a lie -
that ‘ideas on thine canvas die’ -
and now I must have change of heart -
and from thee now I must depart -
I remove these items from my shopping cart
now that mine eyes have seen thine art!
Sincerely Prince Charming

Ballerina Tying Her Hair 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer

#9 At The Auditions For American Idol

Randy: Dude, this is just awful dude. Just awful!
Paula: Well at least you got some paint ON the canvas. Good job!
Simon: For once I'm absolutely the most speechless I've ever been. Randy are you going to buy any of her artwork?
Randy: Sorry dude it’s a ‘no’ for me. Paula?
Paula: Sorry sweetie, I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass too.
Simon: It's three no's. Off you go! Security!!
Peach! 5x7 oil on canvas panel. $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer.

#8 Transcript From The Dr. Phil Show

Dr. Phil: Jane, I have seen your artwork and quite frankly I agree with you 100 percent. In this case you ARE paranoid and yes, they ARE out to get you. As you know I’m an old country boy and I don’t like to mince words. I like to put some barbeque sauce on it and tell it like it 'T-I-S . . . tis' and quite frankly I think your work stinks - I think that you are deluded (begins pounding his fist) and personally responsible for much of the unhappiness in the homes of those who have your artwork hangin’ on their walls! (audience applauds) There is a facility that Robin and I both think that you need to go to. It’s in Dallas, Texas and people are here to take you there immediately. . . (producer gestures from backstage) . . . Uh, actually there is no facility . . . but there are people here who would like for you to GO immediately. (audience stands and applauds) Will you go? Will you just GO?
5x7 oil on canvas panel 'ballerina with blue bow' $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer.

#7 Letter and Paintings opened, shredded and marked 'return to sender'

Dear Miss Jane,
Once again we have received your request and viewed your paintings. And quite frankly we find the whole thing a bit disturbing. So #1. NO we will NOT put you on speed dial so that everyone’s ONE PHONE CALL will automatically be directed to you. #2. NO you can NOT drive a police car with the sirens on so that you can quickly get to potential customers. #3. NO we will NOT arrest anyone who refuses to ‘close the deal’ and take one of your paintings home with them. Miss Jane, as this is your 100th letter we sincerely invite you never to write to us about this matter again. Now, if you have a REAL EMERGENCY Miss Jane, please continuously dial this number 5555-5555-5555555. Sincerely, THE POLICE
This is the one that got away. Much more charming in person. 5x7 oil on canvas panel "Ballerina Slipper" $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping or best offer.

#6 Sorry Ms. Winfrey - Letter opened, shredded and marked 'return to sender'

Dear Ochre Winfrey,

I really admire what you have been doing with that little talk show of yours. I know that I told you that it would never work but - my bad. I have been trying to sell my artwork for as long as your show has been on the air. Maybe one day just a little of your success will rub off on me. In the meantime Ochre, do you think that you could put some money together with some of your ‘highfalutin’ friends and buy one of my paintings?

Sincerely, Jane

This 5x7 oil on canvas panel entitled 'still life with ballerina' is $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer.

Painting #5 Letter From Vincent

Dear Theo Van Gogh,
This is your brother Vincent Van Gogh. Why does everyone hate me? Why do they want to put me away when they see my paintings? And day after day - month after month - year after year - when they see me walking down the street in my yellow hat and purple suit why do they run away yelling and screaming?
And what’s up with you Theo? You suppose to be my brotha. You suppose to have my back. You know I ain’t got no money. You see me painting with sticks and twigs for paintbrushes. What’s up with that Theo? Anyway, I am enclosing this oil painting on canvas panel. It is 8x10 and the title is 'A Peaceful Landscape'. See if you can sell it for $100.00 or best offer. In the meantime you be cool Theo. I will write to you again soon. Love and hugs and kisses, your brother Vincent Van Gogh

Painting #4

This 5x7 painting is entitled ‘Tomato and Abstract’. You know, in the manner of Van Gogh I only believe in using money to buy - in order of importance - art supplies, food, a little more than substandard shelter and now - I am being forced to add clothes to this list. I have one suit that someone bought me about four or five years ago. At that time people would say to me ‘I love your blue suit!’ Now, four or five years later the same people say to me ‘I love your purple suit!’ - even though it’s the same suit! You see my dilemma!
Tomato Abstract 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 or best offer.