Apples - Available!

Right in the middle of his art supplies is Malevich's (see below) sensitive, insightful and award winning painting entitled 'Apples . . . Not On My Watch!' It is 5x7 oil on canvas panel. The cost is $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping or best offer. (Honestly)

Apple World! Available!

Hey! Maybe that guy in the last post (Brit' and 'em) CAN paint better than me! This is just his second painting. I asked him what was the name of this painting and he said that this painting is an abstract entitled "Apple World". He said that it is 5x7 oil on canvas panel. The cost is $100 or best offer. If you are interested please leave a message in the comment box and I will email you for the details.

From the desk of 'THE Donald' . . .Olives! Available!

Dear Miss Jane,
Remember when I told you my idea for a show called ‘Let’s all be like Donnie’ and you said that you could not be an apprentice to the idea. As you know by now - no one EVER tells ‘the Donald’ that his ideas ‘would never work’. So as far as the show is concerned - YOU’RE FIRED - but I still expect you to be at my house for the barbeque on Sunday. We’re having martinis, buttery hot rolls, martinis, baby back ribs, macaroni and cheese, salad, martinis . . . and we’re still expecting you to bring the collard greens and yams. Luv and hugs and kisses to you but must know when to separate business from pleasure. . . THE Donald (Olives 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer) If you would like to make an offer leave me a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you for the details.

Terminated!

Dear Arnold,
Remember when you told me that you wanted to do three movies about machines coming back from the future called - ‘Let’s Get Johnny’ - and I told you that you need to ‘terminate that idea because it would never work!’ Well, my bad. I am still trying to become an artist. Do you think that you and Maria could put some money together with Ted and ‘em and buy one of my paintings? Meanwhile, what’s up in sunny Cal? I’ll be out there for a visit soon so I’ll holla at you then. Love and hugs and kisses to you, Jane (Tomato Abstract 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer) If you would like to make an offer please leave me a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you for the details.

Et Tu Ma ma'?

Please Return To Sender
Dear 'Little' Jane,
How many times do I have to tell you that as long as you keep sending these paintings to my house, no one named 'Mommy', 'Big Ma' or 'Big Miss Jane' lives at this address. How many times do I have to tell you that I am tired of the barking and having to put food and water in the dog bowl and sit it in the backyard because your father, Mr. Jane, refuses to come in the house ‘until I remove those paintings’. So I am returning this package to you because I have moved and there is NO FORWARDING ADDRESS. Love, hugs and kisses to you sweet pea signed, New Occupant

This 5x7 abstract 'apples and waterdrops' is $100.00 or best offer

#9 At The Auditions For American Idol

Randy: Dude, this is just awful dude. Just awful!
Paula: Well at least you got some paint ON the canvas. Good job!
Simon: For once I'm absolutely the most speechless I've ever been. Randy are you going to buy any of her artwork?
Randy: Sorry dude it’s a ‘no’ for me. Paula?
Paula: Sorry sweetie, I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass too.
Simon: It's three no's. Off you go! Security!!
Peach! 5x7 oil on canvas panel. $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer.

#7 Letter and Paintings opened, shredded and marked 'return to sender'

Dear Miss Jane,
Once again we have received your request and viewed your paintings. And quite frankly we find the whole thing a bit disturbing. So #1. NO we will NOT put you on speed dial so that everyone’s ONE PHONE CALL will automatically be directed to you. #2. NO you can NOT drive a police car with the sirens on so that you can quickly get to potential customers. #3. NO we will NOT arrest anyone who refuses to ‘close the deal’ and take one of your paintings home with them. Miss Jane, as this is your 100th letter we sincerely invite you never to write to us about this matter again. Now, if you have a REAL EMERGENCY Miss Jane, please continuously dial this number 5555-5555-5555555. Sincerely, THE POLICE
This is the one that got away. Much more charming in person. 5x7 oil on canvas panel "Ballerina Slipper" $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping or best offer.

#6 Sorry Ms. Winfrey - Letter opened, shredded and marked 'return to sender'

Dear Ochre Winfrey,

I really admire what you have been doing with that little talk show of yours. I know that I told you that it would never work but - my bad. I have been trying to sell my artwork for as long as your show has been on the air. Maybe one day just a little of your success will rub off on me. In the meantime Ochre, do you think that you could put some money together with some of your ‘highfalutin’ friends and buy one of my paintings?

Sincerely, Jane

This 5x7 oil on canvas panel entitled 'still life with ballerina' is $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer.

Painting #4

This 5x7 painting is entitled ‘Tomato and Abstract’. You know, in the manner of Van Gogh I only believe in using money to buy - in order of importance - art supplies, food, a little more than substandard shelter and now - I am being forced to add clothes to this list. I have one suit that someone bought me about four or five years ago. At that time people would say to me ‘I love your blue suit!’ Now, four or five years later the same people say to me ‘I love your purple suit!’ - even though it’s the same suit! You see my dilemma!
Tomato Abstract 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 or best offer.