Will The Real Miss Jane Please Stand Out . . .

Dear Miss Jane,

We heard that you were at an art show this weekend. We are dying to see what you look like. May we see a photograph of the event? Love, 'Your Fans', The IRS

Dear 'Fans',

Here it is! I am the one in the middle, way in the back. Love, Jane

Taken out of context . . . Act 3

Hi Jane,
I saw your paintings today, or better tonight, because I woke up at 2 O'clock in the morning and I read your blog. Are you ill? . . . Anyway . . . Lets go to the point. I studied Art in Vienna Austria In 1946. . . . I like your style colorful and strong. If you would accept me to give you a few ideas how to improve your art work, I would say that you should try to see from which side the light is coming, or if you have a front light, you place it on one side. . . . Your work is very good but I suggest that you learn some of the basics, like composition and illumination. Hoping that I did not offend you with my comment. Wishing you success and happiness. . .
Dear Malevich,
You almost had me there. I knew that it was you because your letters always remind me of ham sandwiches. I know that you want to help me despite our differences because of the ‘code of the artists’. So thank you and good looking out. Miss Jane

Taken out of context . . . Act 2

At the art show at Old MacDonald's Farm (see about three posts below starting with Malevich the Painting Pig):

Malevich: Hi Melanie! Hi Mary! Do you like my painting? What have you been doing lately? Did you guys catch my set over at the comedy club?

Taken Out of Context . . . Act 1

At the art show at Old MacDonald's Farm (see below):

Miss Jane: What do you think about my art Mary? Don't you think that I'm better than that ham Malevich?

Malevich and Mary: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Apples - Available!

Right in the middle of his art supplies is Malevich's (see below) sensitive, insightful and award winning painting entitled 'Apples . . . Not On My Watch!' It is 5x7 oil on canvas panel. The cost is $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping or best offer. (Honestly)

Malevich the Painting Pig . . .

Old MacDonald had a farm. And on that farm he had an art show. With an oink oink here and an oink oink there - here an oink - there an oink - everywhere an oink oink - Old MacDonald had a farm - and Malevich the Painting Pig was the winning artist of the day.
Reporter: Malevich, Miss Jane was thought to be serious competition for you. She was favored to win 1.5 to 1. Why do you think she was defeated here today? Malevich the Painting Pig: Well, after what she did to Sunset Sam the Painting Porpoise (see previous posts) she was banned from regular competition for 10 years. But having seen her artwork I knew that winning would be a piece of cake, pie, ice cream, cookies, candy, a milk shake, potato chips, french fries, doritoes . . . huh, what was the question?

Candy Barr is oh so sweet . . .

Dear Candy Barr,
You don't remember me but I knew you when you were just a little 'hershey’s kiss'. Now your work is admired all over the world! ‘Snickers’, ‘Three Musketeers’ and ‘Almond Joy’ are some of my favorites. All kidding aside, I definitely think that everyone should check out your wonderful art blog. Candy, since we go way back - do you think that you could get your rich cousins Potato Chipp, Cupp Cake, Soda Popp and ‘em to put some money together and buy one of my paintings? Stay as sweet as you are! Love and hugs and kisses to you, sweet pea, Miss Jane.
http://www.dailypainters.com/

From Sunset Sam the Painting Porpoise . . .

Dear People,
As you may have guessed I did not paint the picture attributed to me by Miss Jane (see her previous two posts). As a serious artist celebrated all over the world I am a little more cerebral than to name a painting ‘apple world’. Representing myself I took Miss Jane to court where I won the case. The verdict was the proceeds of the sale of her next 5 paintings. Suffice it to say I will never see any money. Because you can’t help but to like Miss Jane we have both agreed to squash this controversy. I have invited her over for sushi. She has yet to respond. Shame on you Miss Jane. . . shame on you! Here are MY actual paintings that HAVE SOLD. Sincerely Sunset Sam the Painting Porpoise
http://www.gettheloop.com/artshow/analysis.html
A message from Miss Jane: Dear friends, when Sunset Sam's agent called and invited me over for sushi I thought that she was talking about Sunset Sam and I don't roll like that! In the spirit of true artist brotherhood we DID have lunch and we settled all of our differences. So here's love and hugs and wet kisses to you - Sunset Sam. Sincerely Miss Jane

Apple World! Available!

Hey! Maybe that guy in the last post (Brit' and 'em) CAN paint better than me! This is just his second painting. I asked him what was the name of this painting and he said that this painting is an abstract entitled "Apple World". He said that it is 5x7 oil on canvas panel. The cost is $100 or best offer. If you are interested please leave a message in the comment box and I will email you for the details.

Partying with Brit' and 'em . . .

As stated above I have temporarily removed all paintings on this blog. (Update March 27: Please look under 'available' for new paintings) While my paintings are back in the shop for repairs I thought that I would share a typical ‘Miss Jane’ day with you: (Day begins after being out all night with Brit' and 'em) 12:00 pm Sadness: "Boo hoo hoo why won’t anyone buy my paintings!" 12:01 Fake Happiness: " Well at least I still have all of my paintings for myself!" 12:02 Phony Bravado: "They’re all jealous! No one has the guts to buy my paintings!" 12:03 Despair: "They’ll buy paintings from this guy (see photo) but they won’t buy paintings from me!" 12:04 Light at the end of the tunnel: "My bug guy says that he LOVES my paintings because he hasn’t seen any roaches since he put one on display in his shop!" 12:05 starts painting. 12:06 Brit and ‘em calls . . .12:00pm next day . . .whole cycle starts over . . . "Boo hoo hoo . . .
(inset: Sunset Sam the Painting Porpoise)

From the desk of 'THE Donald' . . .Olives! Available!

Dear Miss Jane,
Remember when I told you my idea for a show called ‘Let’s all be like Donnie’ and you said that you could not be an apprentice to the idea. As you know by now - no one EVER tells ‘the Donald’ that his ideas ‘would never work’. So as far as the show is concerned - YOU’RE FIRED - but I still expect you to be at my house for the barbeque on Sunday. We’re having martinis, buttery hot rolls, martinis, baby back ribs, macaroni and cheese, salad, martinis . . . and we’re still expecting you to bring the collard greens and yams. Luv and hugs and kisses to you but must know when to separate business from pleasure. . . THE Donald (Olives 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer) If you would like to make an offer leave me a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you for the details.

Terminated!

Dear Arnold,
Remember when you told me that you wanted to do three movies about machines coming back from the future called - ‘Let’s Get Johnny’ - and I told you that you need to ‘terminate that idea because it would never work!’ Well, my bad. I am still trying to become an artist. Do you think that you and Maria could put some money together with Ted and ‘em and buy one of my paintings? Meanwhile, what’s up in sunny Cal? I’ll be out there for a visit soon so I’ll holla at you then. Love and hugs and kisses to you, Jane (Tomato Abstract 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer) If you would like to make an offer please leave me a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you for the details.

Found in the letters of Edgar Degas in response to Miss Jane's letter below . . .

Dear Miss Jane,

First I was afraid I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

But I spent a day and a night

thinking how you did me wrong I grew strong I learned how to carry on

Go on now go - walk out the door - just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore

weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

you think I'd crumble you think I'd lay down and die

Oh no, not I - I will survive as long as I know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give

and I'll survive I will survive -
So Miss Jane - see ya
and I wouldn’t want to be ya! (I'll holla back at you soon!)Sincerely E to the D (5x7 ballerina oil on canvas panel ($100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling. If you would like to make an offer please leave a message in the comment box and I will get in touch with you.)

Dear Degas . . .

Dear Degas,
Even though we have had our ups and downs I know that you are totally in love with me. I have seen your paintings and I think that it is safe to say that you will never make it in this business. Shall I be your muse you say? Yes! Paint me again and again! I know that you shall never marry - that you will wander wistfully in your final days saying ‘Miss Jane, Miss Jane, where are you Miss Jane’ because you lost your puppy named 'Miss Jane'. Although you will never be a famous artist our love will live forever through your art. I know that whenever someone sees your beautiful paintings - of horses - they will think of me - Miss Jane. Love, hugs and kisses to you for a love that can never be - Sincerely, Jane Ballerina 8x10 oil on canvas panel $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer. If you would like to make an offer please leave me a message in the comment box. Thank you.

A Living Doll?

Little Ballerina: Miss Jane, I heard that Mr. Degas was making little sculptures of us and he said that he would manufacture them and sell millions at the toy stores and the outlet malls. . . but you laughed and said that his idea would never work!!

Miss Jane: Grown folks business Barbie. I know for a fact that little girls everywhere would hate them and collectors would never go for the idea! Now, where's your mother sweetie? Ma Tel you better come get this little girl!!

Marie Fox . . .

Dear Diary,
Usually we talk and we both agree that the world should revolve around me. Usually we say that I am the prettiest most bestest artist in the whole world. After all - I’M THE ONE who accidentally tripped and twirled and invented ‘the ballet’ - I’M THE ONE who fell and rolled around on a wet painting trying to get up and invented ‘the abstract’ - I’M THE ONE who screamed and held one note for thirty minutes when I saw a mouse and invented ‘the opera’. When Leonardo DiCaprio was painting the Mona Lisa I’M THE ONE who said ‘the smile’s too big dude - bring it down a notch!’ So in true ‘jane’ fashion - I will only admit this to you Dear Diary - that MARIE FOX is a magnificent painter - and everyone should check her out!!http://www.mariefoxpaintingaday.blogspot.com/

Order in the court . . .will the real Degas please stand up

Mr. Pacino: Mr. Degas isn’t it true that you took lessons from Miss Jane and that she taught YOU everything you know and that you took HER paintings and put your name on them and you took YOUR paintings and put her name on those? Mr. Degas: What?
Mr. Pacino: Mr. Degas you are out of order!
Mr. Degas: I'M out of order - YOU'RE out of order - the whole sequence of events is out of order!
First I took MY name off of my paintings and put them on HER paintings then I took HER name off of her paintings and put them on MY paintings.
Mr. Pacino: Huh?
Why did you do it Mr. Degas? Why did you steal her paintings?
Mr. Degas: I told Miss Jane to get with it - it’s the 1890's - people will love beautiful ballerina paintings and she just laughed and said that impressionism would never work. . .the verdict: all profits and proceeds from the sale of all 'Degas' paintings from the 1800's until today should immediately be sent to Miss Jane. 8x10 oil on canvas panel 'little ballerinas' $100 plus shipping and handling or best offer.

Will you accept this rose . . .

Dear Miss Jane, I heard that you were the most beautiful woman in the world. . . that your beauty was rare beyond compare. Why, when you pass by - clocks stop. Time stands still. Your beauty is why the sun must rest at night and why it don’t rain when their ain’t no clouds in the sky. Yes, your beauty inspires the tech of the technicians, the portraits of the artists, and the prose of the poets. . .they say ‘Your eyes are the violet of blueberries blue, your lips a red of strawberry hue, your skin smooth as caramel whipped in sweet butter, your hair shines like the hair of no other’. Please Miss Jane. . .you’ve captured my breath . . . let me breathe again . . . Send me your portrait! Please let me look upon such rare beauty. Sincerely, Avery Mann Wantsme
(from Miss Jane: You'll have to stand in line - but here's my portrait.)

From the Poet's Society . . .

'I never knew what one could do
with little dabs of paint -
who mixes them together -
like a child with no restraint -
I always thought that one could take
the delicate pinks and greens -
and with a woman’s wisdom
paint beauty never seen!
It baffles the mind’s sweet mysteries -
in our sanity dare we trust -
why anyone would give Miss Jane a canvas, turps and brush?'
This 9x12 oil on canvas panel is $100.00 plus $10.00 shipping and handling or best offer. You may email me or leave me a message in the comment box. Thank you.

Into The Matrix . . .

Morpheus: Miss Jane I have two pills in my hand - one red - and the other one blue. If you take the blue pill you will continue to live in a dream world and think that you have a future as an artist. If you take the red pill you will see things as they really are. The bad news is that everyone in the phone book named Smith will hate you and keep calling you on the phone. The good news is that you get to 'kick it' with Neo and only shop where they sell stylin’ black boots, trendy black t’s and bangin' black coats. No, I can NOT give you a hint. The decision must be yours and yours alone. Miss Jane which one will you choose? Please stay tuned . . .

From Smallville . . .

Lana: Clark why don’t you use your abilities. Clark: One look at those paintings and I lost my abilities. They are more powerful than kryptonite. Lana: Should we talk to Lex? Clark: Why should we talk to Lex - he doesn’t have any abilities. Lana: What about Chloe - didn’t the writers of the show give HER some abilities? Clark: Yes, but does anyone out there even understand her abilities? I think we need another plot twist - we need to give Lionel or Lois or Jimmy or whoever plays the next editor of the Daily Planet some abilities. Lana: What about your best friend? You know - the brotha? Maybe they can give the brotha some abilities! Please stay tuned . . .
Out Of This World Apple Abstract 5x7 oil on canvas panel $100.00 or best offer

In a little coffe shop in Liverpool 1959 . . .

1959 smartest talent agent in the world: "So you see Miss Jane, we take these four British guys and since you do paintings of bugs we’ll call them - o let’s see - ‘the beetles’. We’ll bring them to America - see - and we’ll let them show your paintings. We’ll let one shake his long hair and play the drums while the other three play guitars and shake their long hair. We’ll have them point to your artwork and sing ‘We love them yeah, yeah, yeah!’ ‘ We love them yeah, yeah, yeah!’ ‘We love them yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah . . .!’"
Cute Miss Jane 1959: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "You’re kidding me right?" "This idea will never work!" "The hair, the name . . .young girls everywhere will hate it!" "Clive! Who is this clown?" "Get him out of here!!"
Ladybug 5x7 oil on canvas panel. $100.00 or best offer!

On A Very Serious Note

Dear Dr. Finklestein what is one of the keys to happiness? Sincerely, Jane

Dear Jane:
Giving is a key to finding true joy in life. This enables us to focus on the needs of others rather than on our own inadequacies. When we help others and see their appreciative response, we feel better about ourselves.
Jane, by generously giving of ourselves, we will experience the truthfulness of the Proverb that says: "The one freely watering others will himself also be freely watered."
Love, hugs and kisses to you,
Your Podiatrist,
Dr. T.O.E. Finklestein